JOke central

Tell your best jokes here!
Have fun

http://philosophy.eserver.org/chicken.txt (why did the chicken cross the road answerz)

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
_________________________
Two cows were talking in the field.

One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?"

The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?"
_________________________

To Find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.


The Torah says, "Love thy neighbor as thyself."
The Buddha says there is no "self."
So, maybe you are off the hook.

_________________________________
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.
_____________________________________

THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE CHEESE

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a Bad Memory

A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you."
So I didn't.
?

Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another. 'I think not,' he says and vanishes in a puff of logic.


'Make the most of the Indian hemp seed, and sow it everywhere!' (George Washington, note to his gardener at Mount Vernon, 1794)

'He was a wise man who invented beer.' - Plato


I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

____________________________________________________
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
______________________________________________________



An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”
_________________________________________________

A student is on one side of a raging river. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the master on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?” The master shouts back: “You are on the other side.”


“Things are not what they seem; nor are they otherwise.” ??????

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * *

“The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.”

“It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.”

“I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.”

"By now, the lion was only a few yards behind me, and gaining fast. If I could make it to the cliff, I would jump and hope I landed in the river below. I jumped, and the lion, unable to stop, fell with me. He caught up with me in midair, and began mauling me. We splashed into the foaming river, and the lion swam over and mauled me some more. I heard the sound of the approaching waterfall. If I could only.. no.. too late. Dead. "


“What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?”

“If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.”

“We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.”

"Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet."

“You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.”

“I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.”

“If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.”

"Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out
it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like
a regular window."

“When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.”

“It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons.”

"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."

"Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk."

"When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, 'No speaka English."

"One good thing about Hell, at least, is you can probably pee wherever you want to."

"The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you."


"I'll never forget the time my friend Stew went skydiving. Boy, what a mistake that was! First of all, his parachute didn't open. Second, we didn't have the right address, so before we got there we got lost and went driving all around for almost an hour. And third, when we finally did get there, Stew tried to back out and we had to talk him into going."

“The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?”


"Even though he was and enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy.
First he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again."


"Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, 'Aw, who cares?' And then I think, 'Hey, what's for supper?"

"One day a beaver and a termite were walking down the road together. "I can eat through a tree with my teeth," said the beaver.
"That's nothing," said the termite, "I can burrow through a tree."
Then they heard a voice behind them. "You two think you're so smart, but you're NOTHING!" It was a bitter old drunk lady."

Ok so a blonde walks into a hardware store and asks if she can buy that TV and the manager said sorry we dont sell to blonds, so she leaves and comes back an hour later with her hair dyed red and asks if she can buy that tv and the manager says sorry we dont sell to blonds. So she leaves and comes back an hour later with her hair dyed brown and asks if she can buy that tv and he says sorry we dont sell to blonds. So she leaves an comes back an hour later, for the last time, with her hair dyed jet black and asks if she can buy that TV and he says sorry we dont sell to blonds. So she asks how do you know I'm a blond and he says "because that TV your wanting to buy is aMICROWAVE!

Ive always found this one funny XD

A blond, a redhead, and a brown are climbing a hill. The reach the top and find a majical lamp. THey rub it and a jenne pops out a says he will turn them into the thing of their choice
The redhead says" I wish i was a eagle". So the jenne turns her into a eagle and she flies away
The Brown says " I wish i was a hawk" so the jenne turns her into a hawk and she flies away
The Blonde falls of the cliff and says "SHIT" then the jenne turns her into shit

I got some jokes not all are appropriate though, just a warning.

Btw, shouldn't this topic be in "Off Topic" section, not "Creativity"? anyways...:

Enjoy!

Bad Jokes:

-Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Everytime I drink hot chocolate, my eye hurts!

Doctor: Try taking out the spoon.


-Why do mermaids use seashells as bras?
Because D-shells are too big, and B-shells are too small!


-What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
You can mash potatoes, but you can't pea soup!
lol, the above two are better when said aloud.



Cliche and overused Pickup-line:

Did you fall from heaven? Because you have the face of an angel!

* <3 *

Bad Jokes (Cont.):

-What's brown and sticky?

A stick

-What's brown and sounds like a bell?

DUNGggggg

-What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick

-A guy goes to his doctor for a checkup,
and the doctor tells him that he's gotta stop masturbating.
"Why's that, doctor?" the guy asks.
"Because I've gotta finish this exam."

-A man opens his door and finds a snail on his front porch. He picks it up and throws it across the street.
A year later the man opens his door and finds the same snail on his front porch.
The snail looks up and says, "What the f*ck was that all about?"



Modified cliche pickup-line:

Did you fall from heaven? 'Cause your face looks really messed up.

*SLAP*


Bad Jokes (Cont.):

-During math class, a kid named Bobby wasn't paying attention to the teacher. The teacher saw this and asked him a question:
"Bobby, if three ducks were sitting on a fence, and I had a shotgun and shot one of the ducks, how many would be left?"

Bobby thought for a while, then said:
"Um,
well, you would kill the duck you shot at and the other two would get
scared and fly away, so there would be zero ducks left."

"Hmm.. well the answer is supposed to be two," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking!"

"Well, teacher! Now I have a question to ask you!" replied Bobby.
"If
three women came out of an icecream shop, and one was eating the ice
cream, one was sucking the ice cream, and one was just holding the ice
cream, which one do you think is married?"

"Uh... the one that's sucking the ice cream?" replied the teacher.

"Well, the answer is the one with the ring, but I like the way you're thinking!"

-Two muffins were sitting in an oven.

One muffin said to the other: "Boy! It's getting hot in here!"
The othe muffin screamed: "AHHHHHHH!! IT'S A TALKING MUFFIN!!!$#$%$"

-A pirate returns home after a long sea journey. He goes to his favourite bar and talks to his friend, the bartender.

Bartender: Wow, you certainly have changed since I last saw you!
Pirate: Aye, yes I have.
Bartender: What happend to your leg!
Pirate: Ahh, my leg. Me and my mates got caught in stormy weather. I fell overboard and a shark ate my leg, so now I have a peg leg.
Bartender: What happened to your hand!
Pirate: Ahh.. my hand. Lost it in a vicious battle with a rival pirate. Now I have a hook.
Bartender: What happend to your eye?
Pirate: Ahh... me eye... It was a beautiful day and I was looking up at the sky... when a blasted seagull pooped on my eye. So now I have an eyepatch.
Bartender: But... you couldn't have lost an eye just from the seagull poop!?

Pirate: Well, I wasn't quite used to the hook yet.

Knock knock.

RCJD wrote:

Knock knock.

Not gonna say "who's there"? ^^

when I was born, god gave me the choice between a big penis and a good memory. I don't remember which one i chose.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

@l <@P0n3 wrote:

RCJD wrote:

Knock knock.

Not gonna say "who's there"? ^^

AWWWWW

RCJD wrote:

@l <@P0n3 wrote:

RCJD wrote:

Knock knock.

Not gonna say "who's there"? ^^

AWWWWW

Lol, sorry, but i was too afraid of what could stand behind the door
Hehe

Edit: Kiddin'